I'm still staring at my ATM card lying quietly right next to my mac's touchpad as I type right now. The card has been looking pretty much the same with a bit of worn-offs here and there, but just a few hours ago I was still able to withdraw some money with it.

Now, I will never get to spend that money, and that's not the worst. It's not just my money. The account held the Stuco's profit from last year and an event's money to be used next week. But now it's all gone, zero, empty. Just a few hours ago, I received a phone call from the bank that issued my card, and by some deceitful words and threatening I was already on my way to an ATM. It was urgent, or at least according to that guy. He told me that there would be money wrongly deducted from my account because of some accounting problems emerged from a purchase, and I was needed to correct it. I did notice that it was kind of absurd, but I was worried. It wasn't my money, and it couldn't be taken away. So I followed his instructions and 20 minutes later all the money was just gone after a beep from the other side of the phone. 

I knew what happened at the moment, but it took me a while to believe it. I was petrified and my mind chaotic. I messed up, and it was big. With all the responsibilities I deemed myself capable of taking, I failed at the most simple task, to keep the money safe. In the next 10 minutes a repeating murmur ceaselessly reminded me of my stupid mistake, and then I was in a police station reporting the fraud. There wasn't much that could be done and I knew it, but I still begged for help.

I got home and gave myself a bit of time to calm myself down. It's time to face it. The money is gone, but I need it, and my parents are pissed. I knew that at the end of the day I will still need to take money from them. It's illogical to think that my parents will want me to pay them back since they've been paying for everything since I was born. But I knew I would feel even more guilty and worse and powerless if I don't return the money back to them. It's my fault, and I should be the one to deal with it. I should know how to do so, and I should achieve it within my power. I realized that I was more afraid of my inability to help the problem or to take the consequence than of the mess itself. I don't want my parents to take it for me. And although I know it will cost me time and sweat to make an equal amount of money, I will do it, and one day I will hand the money back to my parents and be responsible for the wrongs I made. 

Another form of writing

I often experience the feeling of not being able to write well. There have been so many days that I would just sit in from of my computer, staring at my essays and jotting down nothing that ended up on the drafts. Such inability of mine goes beyond writing. I have, from time to time, had difficulties expressing myself. People call me indifferent, ignorant, sometimes apathetic, but deep in myself I know it's not true. I feel that I just care about different things and that I have my own way of showing my interests. Sometimes I really want to say it out, but I don't know whom to talk to, or how to tell the stories. I'm also afraid of negligence, which I have done to a lot of people when they came to me.
For years I've been working on finding the best way, the standardized golden formula to talk to people and to express my thoughts in the 'right' way. I haven't found one so far, but technology has indeed helped me on approaching my goal. I have found it easier to approach people and to be connected in an online virtual setting. Oh okay I'm getting a bit busy now I will continue this next time buhbye.

Common App and stuff

During a short break, from my chemistry lab work today, which doesn't come very opften, I passed by a public computer and so I checked my gmail inbox with it. I received some emails from Pam and they were all about college application, one being the latest promtps in the common app. The Common App for year 2013-2014 came out just a day ago, and although nothing much besides that has realyl changed, the Common App somehow marks the start a new chapter of my high school life - the final chapter. Boy, I am going to college. Going to a college I like in America has been my ultimate dream and goal in the past few years, and most of the choices I made have to do with it. But it has never felt so real until now.

And then I thought of Stanford. Stanford was the first American University I visited, but it wasn't for admission or anything related. My aunt brought me there because she said she liked the unique vibe and the energy one could only find there (and also it was only 10 minutes away from her house). Needless to say, I liked it a lot as well, yet I didn't realyl know why. Maybe it was the Californian weather that had hipnotized us. I remember that back in those afteroons, she and I would just sit right outside of the Jamba Juice on the edge of the campus and watched people pass by, either on skateboards or bikes. There would be music mixing with people's chattering, and people would start gathering at the plaza, getting ready for the night. I liked to think that most of them would be going to San Francisco, for one it sounds really cool (any cities with a 4-syllable names are cool), and for two it was the only major city I knew, although I didn't really know that the city was like. I imgained the city of San Fran to be filled with people like those I saw at the plaza, but the seemingly boundariless land would be replaced by skyscrapers and electrical sparkles from the countless windows. It would have an urban pace, and the vibe my aunt found will be concentrated and magnified. However, after all these years, I've never visited San Francisco with my Aunt, and although I have been there on my own, it was already quite a few years after, and at that point of time my childhood memory could no longer manefist itself and reflect on the actual scene I witnessed. Now I pay attention to diferent things and care about different values. When I hear the name of a college,  its ranking and prestige would be the first that came into my mind. I realize that I don't really know what I am making myself go into, and that I start to care about things that didn't matter to be before. I have let other things define what I should pursue after, and I'm no longer able to just watch people pass by without thinking about all the names and titles they are associated with.